A Collection of CrackFics
by Arctic Banana
Summary: A series of movie-verse crack-fics inspired by my and my sister's bizarre thought-processes.
1. Decepticons

Most of these stories are based on jokes that my sister and I came up with while playing Transformers: The Game. We have a habit of role-playing the Transformers' voices while we game (The most popular seems to be Barricade, voiced by my sister, and Blackout, voiced by me), and together, we often come up with some pretty interesting conversations (although a good portion of them seems to mock the relationships of Barricade and Bumblebee or Starscream and Megatron -cough-slash-cough-).

* * *

**DECEPTICON**

* * *

**At Least I'm Safe Inside My Mind...**

_Note: I don't even remember how we came up with this one..._

Frenzy sat between Blackout and Barricade, just staring intently at the wall, in his own little world. The two larger mechs stared down at him.

"Hey Blackout, do you ever wonder what Frenzy thinks about?" Barricade asked without looking up.

"Only all the time. Let's go find Soundwave and find out," Blackout replied, standing up. He returned with Soundwave by his side. "So, Soundwave... What's he thinking?"

Soundwave was silent, no doubt picking through Frenzy's mind. After a moment, he looked back at Blackout. "All I'm getting is static... Lots and lots of static... And some Polka station from Ohio..."

"What about Bonecrusher? What's he thinking?" Barricade asked, nodding towards the sand colored mech sitting by himself at the other end of the couch.

Soundwave was only in there a moment before he pulled back out in fear. "It's-it's very scary in there...!" he whimpered. Bonecrusher smirked sadistically.

* * *

**Insert Coin and Press Start**

_Note: The thought of Decepticons actually behaving like this amuses me to no end._

"Hey, buddy! Can I come in and chat?" Blackout asked cheerfully, popping his head into Barricade's room.

Barricade was sitting in a beanbag chair playing Doom on an outdated Nintendo system. "Yeah, sure. There's another beanbag in the closet. Plop your ass down," he replied invitingly.

Blackout made himself comfortable and turned to face him. "So... weren't you going someplace tonight?"

"I was, but not anymore, on account of my bitch of a girlfriend broke up with me," he responded.

"Aww... How come?" Blackout asked.

"She was complaining about how I play too many video games and don't pay attention to her at all."

"Ouch... Then what happened?"

"I don't know. I was trying to beat my hi-score on Frog-A-Pult and stopped listening to her after the first five minutes."

"Dude...Barricade...Can you ever hold down a girlfriend for longer than a week?" Blackout asked.

"Nope. There's always something wrong with them, so there's no reason to keep them for longer anyway," he shrugged.

"What about that girl you were with four weeks ago? What was wrong with her?"

"She was a lesbian."

"Oh...Well that's a good reason I guess...Okay, what about the girl three weeks ago?"

"She talked too much. It was annoying."

"The one two weeks ago?"

"She blinked too much. It was as if she never wanted to see me."

"What is wrong with you?"

"Oh, so many things..."

"You do realize that you are doomed to die a sad and lonely existence, right?"

"No I won't. I'll always have you."

"Aww, Barricade, that's so..."

"Yep, just you and Doomguy here," he nodded at the TV.

"...sweet..." Blackout finished his sentence.

"Ooh! Watch me blow those Imps into gibs!" Barricade said, distractedly pulling out a rocket launcher.

* * *

**Police Humor**

_Note: Another thing we like to do is make cop jokes about Barricade and poke fun at various Transformers' masculinity._

Barricade had no idea why he liked these fried rings of dough that overweight humans were so fond of. All he knew was he couldn't stop eating them. The other Decepticons weren't so pleased with this fact, as Barricade happened to be the second messiest eater amongst their ranks after Blackout. Bonecrusher particularly was rather pissed about the mess, as he was currently being punished by Starscream with the task of cleaning the base after he had called the second-in-command a whore behind his back and had been overheard.

"Barricade, you keep dropping sprinkles on the floor I just cleaned!" he snarled.

"They didn't drop. They jumped," he replied with a mouth full of doughnut.

"They didn't want to get eaten, so they took their own lives," Blackout smirked.

"Hey! Don't encourage him!" Bonecrusher snapped.

"Bonecrusher, Starscream told you to clean the base, not turn into a cranky femmebot," Barricade snickered, making even more of a mess. Bonecrusher attempted to swat him and missed when he ducked. "Ooh, someone's PMS-ing!"

"PMS-ing? Seems more like he's pregnant to me," Blackout teased, winning himself a glare and the finger from Bonecrusher. Bonecrusher stormed off angrily to get away from them.

"Hey Bonecrusher, don't let the door hit you in the interface port on the way out!" Barricade called after him, causing his victim to twitch violently.

Blackout giggled. "I love how high-pitched and feminine-sounding his voice gets when he's angry."

"Me too," Barricade agreed.

* * *

**What They Don't Know**

_Note: I couldn't stop laughing while I wrote this one._

Bonecrusher silently walked past the other Decepticons, carrying something wrapped in a towel. He paid no attention to the looks that the others were giving him and continued on his way to his room.

"What do you think's in the towel?" Brawl asked.

"Knowing Bonecrusher, probably someone's head," Starscream replied.

"Maybe he killed a rodent or something and decided it would make a nice pet," Barricade suggested.

"This is Bonecrusher we're talking about, so I don't think I want to know what's in the towel," Megatron shuddered.

Meanwhile, Bonecrusher arrived at his room and closed and locked the door behind him. He unwrapped the towel, revealing a teddy bear wearing a hand-knit sweater that read "Princess Kitty" and cuddled it.

"Would Mr. Beaner care for some tea and a muffin?" Bonecrusher asked the bear.


	2. Autobots

**AUTOBOT

* * *

**

**The Question**

_Note: This is intended to make fun of slash, because making fun of slash is fun._

Sideswipe noticed Jazz and Prowl sitting on the couch together, staring blankly at the TV while some fast food commercial was playing. Feeling more than a little bored, he found himself unable to refrain from doing what he did next.

He leaned over the back of the couch in between them and asked one little mischievous question: "So, how's the sex?"

Never had he ever had to run so fast in his life, but it was worth it.

* * *

**Too Innocent to Realize**

_Note: Making fun of Bumblebee's innocent, childlike nature never gets old; err, at least not if you're me. If you don't get what's going on here, you're probably not old enough anyway._

Bumblebee was climbing the side of the hotel, hoping to get a better vantage point so he could find his way to Sam's house and get there before the Decepticons did. Along the way, he happened to look in one of the rooms.

"Hey Optimus, what are those two humans doing?" he asked.

Jazz beat him to the response. "Uh... Just keep moving, Bumblebee..."

* * *

**Music Make the World Go Square**

_Note: This one takes place in the Solace universe._

"Alright everybody, listen up! I have made a list of music that I don't ever want to hear within a 600 mile radius of the base!" Jazz called from the center of the lounge.

Prowl sighed. "This ought to be good..."

Barricade glared at him. "If you put anything on there that I listen to, Jazz..."

"Don't worry, I didn't put any of your music on there after I realized that I rather like my interface cable where it is." Barricade seemed satisfied by his answer. "Okay, first thing on the list: Hannah Montana."

"Well, duh," Arcee replied. "Who the hell listens to that?"

Springer sunk down in his chair. "Yes, who..."

"Second thing: If Prowl likes it, it's a definite no."

"Hey!" Prowl glared.

"Third thing: None of that European, Lord of the Dance shit."

"For the last time Jazz, it's called Celtic!" Sniper snapped.

"Celtic, Lord of the Dance, same difference. Fourth on the list: Barry Manilow." Everybody snickered when Ratchet turned around slowly and glared at him. "Nothing by Barney the Dinofreak, Dora the Explorer, Bob the Builder, The Wiggles, The Backyardigans, The Doodlebops, or Gimme 5."

"Can I still listen to Spongebob?" Diesel asked.

"Spongebob's fine." Diesel cheered. "Everything off of the soundtracks for The Titanic and Moulin Rouge."

"Jazz, you're the only one who listens to..." Ironhide pointed out.

"Sometimes even I'm ashamed of what I listen to, Ironhide. Next: Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers."

"Who?" Wheeljack asked.

"Exactly."

"Can I see that list a minute, Jazz?" Optimus asked.

"Yeah, sure. Here." He handed the data pad to his leader.

"Ah! Jazz! You put just about everything I listen to on here!" he complained upon reading the list.

"Maybe it's about time you considered a change in tastes..."

Sunstreaker looked over Optimus' arm at the list. "And yet, none of those horrible Gothic Metal bands Solace listens to are on here!"

"I was going to put a couple of them on there, but then I decided that I wanted to interface tonight," he replied.

"Jazz, do you expect anyone's gonna follow that?" Fallout asked.

"Uh, yeah. Why? Is there a problem? Why are you all looking at me like that?"

* * *

**Why Bumblebee Can't Go Out in Public Without Supervision**

_Note: One of my friends said this happened to her when she was little. Like that other one above, if you don't get it, you're probably not old enough._

"Don't go too far, Bumblebee," Jazz warned his yellow friend.

"I won't, Jazz," he promised.

Bumblebee liked the park, especially on nice days. There were all sorts of colorful birds and small mammals running amuk, and he liked saying hi to the humans and their sparklings that had come outside to enjoy the weather. He found a spot under a tree and sat down, admiring the flowers surrounding him. He looked up upon hearing a barking sound and saw a German shepherd dog racing towards him. It jumped up on his foot.

"Hey Jazz, look! He likes me!" Bumblebee called over to his companion.

Jazz looked over and felt a little embarrassed for his friend when he realized what the dog was doing. "Um...Yeah, he really does like you. Come over here, Bumblebee..."

"Why?"

"Because your big brother said so. Now get over here!" Jazz demanded, aware that humans were laughing at them.

The dog finished his business and ran off. Bumblebee stared at his foot and noticed a bizarre, viscous fluid. "Hey Jazzy, the dog lubricated on me..."

"I don't know that stranger!" Jazz announced.


End file.
